Today ushers in the REAL begging of the Fall Season (I know there were some last week, and over the weekend, but those all sucked anyway).

ABC

8:00PM

Dancing With the Stars- People with little to no other real talent learn to dance with people who’s only talent is dancing. Let the hilarity begin. Staring Scary Spice, Floyd Mayweather Jr., and the ever popular and previously cancelled Reality Show star Mark Cuban.

9:30PM

The Bachelor - Brad Womack, a Texan who owns a small chain of successful bars with his brothers hopes to score with like 30 or 40 chicks in a row. SCORE!

CBS

How I Met Your Mother -Having never watched the show, I don’t really care. Except for that Doogie Howser is in it, which is awesome. So I’ll just include the synopsis.: You waited for it; you got it. The third season opens with Robin (Cobie Smulders) seeing someone new: a hunk named Gael (guest star Enrique Iglesias) from Argentina. Ted (Josh Radnor) decides to go out on the town with Barney (Neil Patrick Harris) and meets a fun-loving young woman (Mandy Moore). Jason Segel and Alyson Hannigan also star in “Wait for It.”

8:30PM

The Big Bang Theory - Nerds try to lure hot chicks into funny yet precarious situations. Let the nerd assault begin!

10:00PM

CSI: Miami - Apparently people like this campy crap. I do too, just not in Miami. In tonight’s sixth-season premiere, it’s revealed that Horatio has a son. Of course, he’s on the wrong side of the law.

NBC

8:00PM

Chuck – It’s the revenge of the nerd in this new series, which expertly amalgamates on-target comedy, action and espionage. Think of it as Big Bang Theory meets The Bourne Identity, except for 1 hour.

9:00PM

HEROES – It’s back on TV, can’t wait. My favorite show, other than The Office. New heroes and the fates of some old friends are revealed in the season premiere. We’ll learn what happened to Peter, Nathan and Matt (Milo Ventimiglia, Adrian Pasdar, Greg Grunberg) in the wake of their showdown with Sylar (Zachary Quinto). H.R.G. and Claire (Jack Coleman, Hayden Panettiere) try to keep a low profile. Mexican twins (Dania Ramirez, Shalim Ortiz) with special powers attempt to get into the U.S. Masi Oka also stars.

10:00PM

Journeyman - This appears to be about a dude, that is on LSD or Mushrooms. Lets examine the evidence, he see’s people that aren’t there, and time seems to go in reverse and then fast forward. Don’t know about you, but TOTALLY shroomin! Kevin McKidd (“Rome”) stars as a newspaperman who can travel through time. As you might expect, he uses his power to help people change their lives. But he also finds it complicating his own, especially when he runs into the woman who got away (Moon Bloodgood). Gretchen Egolf and Reed Diamond also star.

Out with the old crap in with the new:

K-Ville (9 pm FOX) New – The Big Easy has traditionally been plagued by an underlying air of graft and corruption. Anthony Michael Anderson stars in a yet to be cancelled cop drama.

Deal or No Deal (8 pm NBC) New One of – New York’s toughest deal makers, Donald Trump, ups the stakes in the third-season opener of the already nerve-racking game show. <cough>Media Whore</cough>

Prison Break (8 pm FOX) New - It’s back to the slammer for Michael as Season 3 begins. How many more seasons can they break out of prison? Only Fox executives, and OJ Simpson know.

Weeds (10 pm Showtime) New - In tonight’s highly entertaining episode, Mary-Kate Olsen joins the cast for an extended story arc. I’ve never actually seen the show, but its about WEED people how bad can it be?

The Biggest Loser (8:00PM – NBC) – Fat people from across the country turn into what we want. Hot looking trainers! Alison Sweeney, Bob Harper, Kim Lyons, and the yummy Jillian Michaels. I’d definetly let her train….ohhhh yeah.

Big Brother 8 (9:00pm CBS) – Seriously… STOP WATCHING THIS SHOW.

i-Caught (9:00pm ABC) – Consumers fight back with video, plus a profile of comic Tom Green’s online talk show. In this episode, Tom will hump a cow, very original.

Damages (10:00pm FX) – Damages is back after a brief hiatus as well as a kind of lackluster parting episode. I guess people like the show. Being that I don’t care, I’ll wait for the cartoon.

Late Show With David Letterman (11:35pm CBS) – President Bill Clinton Patti Scialfa performs.

Jimmy Kimmel Live (12:05am ABC) – Terrell Owens; Kirk Douglas Gogol Bordello performs

Late Night With Conan O’Brien (12:35am NBC) – David Duchovny; Tim Gunn; comic Kevin Brennan performs.

I’ve been lazy…. suck it.

Big Brother 8 (9:00pm CBS) – Veto! Veto! Veto!! I have no idea, because its lame and shouldnt be watched.

Wide Angle (9:00pm PBS/KCET) – Crop failures, sinking global cotton prices, and spiraling debts drive Indian cotton farmers to suicide in this typical example of uplifting fare from public television. Everyone Panic! Thanks Fark.

i-Caught (9:00pm ABC) – Basically YouTube, without the funny, or America’s Funniest Home Video clips. Parkour athletes jump all over shit, plus videos of marriage proposals and purse snatchers.

Late Show With David Letterman (11:35pm CBS) – Six degrees from Kevin Bacon; Kat Von D; T.I. performs with Wyclef

Late Night With Conan O’Brien (12:35am ABC) – Jeff Goldblum; Devon Aoki; Okkervil River performs.

Now I’m not really in the “Industry” but, if I were I think this is how I would write my talent contracts.

Entertainment lawyers take note:


Danny Devito is the man!

Big Brother (8:00pm CBS)- Who cares?

Mad Men (10:00pm AMC) – I think this show is cool, at least it looks cool. Smoking, and sexing, and all sorts of stuff. I just don’t want to watch it.

The Colber(t) Repor(t) (11:30pm Comedy Central) – Judd Apatow, producer of Superbad

The Tonight Show With Jay Leno (11:35pm NBC) – David Duchovny talks about the new season of ‘Californication’; Tiki Barber; comic Nick Thune performs.

Jimmy Kimmel LIVE (12:05am ABC) – Paul Rudd rubs Kimmel the right way; Michael Cera; Public Enemy performs – FLAVA FLAAAAAV. I guess the onslot for the Roast of FLAVA FLAAAAAV is starting.

Big Brother (9:00pm CBS)- New – Nobody cases that It’s veto time and we know Tony’s all over that action.

LA Ink (10:00pm TLC) – Premiere – Kat Von D had enough of Miami so she’s come to LA to set up shop. – she’s hot thats why we care.

i-Caught (10:00pm ABC)- Premiere- New series based on amateur video clips . This week it’s battles between lions and crocodiles and buffalos. Yes, this sounds really good (sarcastic tone)

Damages (10:00pm FX) – The unfolding exploitation of Ellen by Patty continues. Apparently its good, but my TiVo disagrees.

Late Night With Conan O’Brien (12:35am NBC) – Glenn Close talks up ‘Damages’; Modest Mouse performs

Today they’ve announced that Whoopi Goldberg, will replace Rosie O’Donnell on the View.

A big sigh of who cares can be heard throughout Hollywood.

Seriously, Whoopi? Has she ever been funny, or interesting? As far as I know her last job was to do a voice over for the tram tour at Universal Studios. Maybe its because she’s African-American, and they wanted to give the show some “diversity”.

So they hired a woman who lets people think she’s Jewish to fit in? Interesting.

Last time I cared about Whoopi was when she was on Star Trek. But I guess since I’m witting this post they’ve made their point

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My Boys (10 pm TBS)- New, Season Premiere. I tried to watch this show over the weekend. TBS was running a marathon. There something about seeing the loser kid from Rosanne trying to act like a gangsta that I can’t stand. But the chick is HOT!!

Anthony Bourdain: No Reservations (10 pm, TRAVEL) New, Season Premiere. More smoking, more bad stories. The upside, more Alcohol!

Big Love (9:00 PM HBO) – New, Still love the show! Its getting quirky with the mafia innuendo, if only polygamist’s complain. Other than that maybe they’re trying to fill the void the Soprano’s left. Either way, definitely on my Tivo!